On December, 2010, Zuckerberg was selected as 2010 “the Person of the Year,” winning over Julian Assange who won the first place in online survey, Mark. Ever since 1927, Time magazine have been announcing a person who had biggest influence on last year’s events. Despite public’s opinion that Julian Assange, the founder of Wikileaks, should win this, Time had chosen Mark Zuckerberg, a young billionaire who founded Facebook, to be this year’s the Person of the Year. If one only considers positive events on choosing the Person of the Year, the choice may be credible. However, considering threatening, controversial, and urgent topics that has been and even more critical in 2010, Kim family of North Korea should be 2010 the Person of the Year.
Kim family, the royal family of North Korea, was in the midst of the international issues in 2010. To begin with, there was the second secession of the power, first from Kim Il-sung to Kim Jong-Il, and then now from Kim Jong-Il to Kim Jong-Un. In communist countries, leaders of the country practices huge power over its people. Those who protest against government are likely be “erased” from the community, very secretly. However, even in those authoritarian countries, such incidence of turning one’s authority to one’s family member has never occurred in any other communist countries. Surprisingly, North Korea has successfully done that and will do it again soon! Already, idolization of Kim Jong-Un is almost finished, through songs of praise and spectacular stories of heroism. Although people from other countries would consider those stories untrustworthy and even hilarious, indoctrinated North Koreans believe it.
Also, there were two military incidents happened in 2010: the Attack Against ROK Ship Cheonan on March 26 and the Bombardment of Yeonpyeong November 23. On a day of March, ROK Ship Cheonan shipwrecked and 40 Korean navy died 6 were lost. Soon, South Korean government organized a group to investigate the situation, and it was later revealed that torpedo fired by North Korean submarine was the cause of the destruction. To find lost people, the government also organized a rescue team of navies. Nonetheless, due to the fast current of nearby ocean and bad weather condition, the team failed to save everyone and some of the members lost their lives while rescuing. This raised international concern about North Korea since it always has been causing some problems. The incident, nevertheless, seem to face its end.
On November 23, however, another incident occurred: North Korea attacked South Korea in the face - Yeonpyeong Island, a rural area on Inchon, was bombarded. North Korea shot total 170 missiles. In response, South Korean government proclaimed Jindotgae one, top locality encounter warning, and shot 80 missiles. Seven soldiers died and two civilians were also sacrificed as the outcome of this bombardment. International society was alarmed and showed immediate response, blaming North Korea’s provocation (except China). Ban Ki moon, Secretary-General of United Nations, said he condemned North Korea's artillery attack, calling it 'One of the gravest incidents since the end of the Korean War,' and he called for immediate restraint and insisted 'any differences should be resolved by peaceful means and dialogue.'
Lastly, Kim family enlarged the gap between rich, high-rank officers who show loyalty to them, and poor, ordinary citizens of North Korea, to a level beyond imagination. In North Korea, people literally die of hunger. People collect bark of trees, grass roots, and even clovers to eat. Even more horrific, there is news about appearance of cannibalism. This is not a story from 1960’s or 1990’s; it is news reported last year, in 2010. Continuous spending of money on artillery depleted capital and resource in North Korea. Although upper classes continue their luxurious lives by monopolizing everything, civilians struggle to survive, living off roots and barks.
(Wealthy Class of North Korea)
(Poor class of North Korea- a female
24 years old, answering that she grup
up clovers to eat)
Mark Zuckerberg was chosen to be 2010 the Person of the Year due to his contributions to development of communication. He was chosen for his good deeds. However, Facebook, in reality, gets more from users than users get from Facebook. First, there is no privacy in Facebook. Everything one puts on his page is exposed to everyone. Anyone who wants to get the information about a person simply has to search it on the Google to find out about the person. Users sometimes want to reveal their information to a limited degree, but Facebook does not offer it. The only thing it gives one as choice is to expose one’s status to everyone in the world.
(A world map that an intern in Facebook, Paul Butler
made through connecting Facebook users' mutual interchange)
Also, after Facebook realized the power of holding private or personal information, it started using its power to earn some capital. Most notably, it joined with Yelp, Pandora, and Microsoft and exchanged personal information with money. Yet, there is one more thing, the wickedest thing: the “I Like” button. By simply clicking the button, a person is giving out all the preference information to companies. Facebook collects all those information and add it up to make the list of private information. In the end, they sell the private information. This contradicts the logic behind choosing Mark Zuckerberg as the Person of the Year. He does more harm than good. To sum up, Kim families from North Korea should earn 2010 the Person of the Year over Mark Zuckerberg. Kim families caused many incidents significant enough for them to be nominated as the Person of the Year, although the reason may be negative. Even if it might be true that Zuckerberg had some impact on last year, it is not “that” significant, and the reasons for his being selected do not match the truth of Facebook, a company crazy about profit. A doubtful choice should not be made. Only clear and coherent selections should take place.
(The first sentence is one of the most important - and this one has a few problems. First of all, consider that 2010 is mentioned twice. We only need it once. The proposition "on" should be "in." The clause at the end, "Mark," doesn't make sense. So, try to make it a leaner sentence. The following sentences in the intro are also repetitive. You could combine most of this into two sentences as follows:
답글삭제Since 1927, Time Magazine has annually selected an influential individual to be "Person of the Year." In December of 2010, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, the world's youngest billionaire, was chosen for this title over Wikileaks founder, Julian Assange, whom public opinion largely favored in an online survey.
If one only considers "positive influence" for choosing the Person of the Year, the choices may be credible. However, since the award does not treat "influence" this way, and has included Hitler and Stalin among its recipients, in my opinion, considering threatening, controversial, and urgent topics that have been more critical in 2010, the Kim family of North Korea should be the Person of the Year.
(Compare the intro/thesis of the above to your original and take note of the repetitive extra stuff being deleted/ironed out. Try to work towards this in future assignments when you edit and proofread.)
THE Kim family, the royal family of North Korea, was in the midst of (DELETE the) international issues in 2010. To begin with, there was the second secession of (DELETE the) power, first from Kim Il-sung to Kim Jong-Il (WHEN), and then now from Kim Jong-Il to Kim Jong-Un. In communist countries, leaders (DELETE of the country practices huge power over its people) command great power(,) AND those who protest against government are likely be SECRETLY “erased” from the community (DELETE very secretly). However, even in OTHER authoritarian countries such incidence of turning one’s authority OVER to one’s family member RARELY OCCURS, and CERTAINLY NOT IN SO-CALLED communist countries. Surprisingly, North Korea has successfully done SO WITHOUT CIVILIAN PROTEST, AND WILL DO SO AGAIN VERY SOON WITH KIM JUNG-UN. Songs of praise and spectacular stories of heroism about him have already been written, and HIS IDOLIZATION IS VIRTUALLY COMPLETE. Although people from other countries would consider those stories untrustworthy and even hilarious, indoctrinated North Koreans believe it.
(Nice introduction to the issue. Just a suggestion - you might want to play with the irony and explain reasons why North Koreans believe it. It's because guys like Zuckerberg and Assange don't exist in North Korea's unwired world. A central media controlled by a dictator gets to create any image it wants.)
(DELETE Also,) ACCORDINGLY, there were two military incidents WHICH (DELETE happened) OCCURRED in 2010 WHICH FURTHER UNDERLINE THE KIM'S INFLUENCE IN ASIA: the attack against THE SOUTH KOREAN ship(,) the Cheonan, on March 26(TH)(,) and the CIVILIAN bombardment of Yeonpyeong ON November 23(RD).
(NEW PARAGRAPH)
AT FIRST THOUGHT TO BE SHIPWRECKED, the Cheonan INCIDENT, WHICH SAW 40 Korean navy PERISH WITH 6 OTHERS MISSING, WAS LATER REVEALED TO BE THE RESULT OF AN ATTACK FROM A NORTH KOREAN SUBMARINE. THIS WAS CONCLUDED BY AN INDEPENDENT INTERNATIONAL INVESTIGATION, AND raised FURTHER international concern OVER North Korea'S CONSTANT AND UNPREDICTABLE PROVOCATION. The incident, nevertheless, seem to face its end, ALL IN AN EFFORT TO PRESERVE PEACE ON THE PENINSULA.
On November 23, however, another incident occurred: North Korea attacked South Korea EVEN MORE DIRECTLY WHEN Yeonpyeong Island, a rural area OF Inchon POPULATED WITH CIVILIANS, was bombarded. North Korea shot A total OF 170 SHELLS. In response, THE South Korean government proclaimed "Jindotgae 1", A top LEVEL warning, and RETURNED FIRE WITH 80 SHELLS. DUE TO NORTH KOREA'S ACTIONS, NINE SOUTH KOREANS, INCLUDING SEVEN soldiers and two civilians, were (DELETE also) sacrificed as the outcome of this bombardment. ASIDE FROM CHINA WHO REMAINED DISTANT FROM TAKING A POSITION, THE International society was alarmed and (DELETE showed immediate response,) IMMEDIATELY BLAMED North Korea’s provocation. Ban Ki moon, THE Secretary-General of THE United Nations, said he condemned North Korea's artillery attack, calling it (")one of the gravest incidents since the end of the Korean War.(") He pleaded for South Korean restraint and insisted (")any differences should be resolved by peaceful means and dialogue.(")
답글삭제ON TOP OF THESE PROVOCATIONS OUTSIDE OF NORTH KOREA, THE Kim family ALSO enlarged the gap between THE rich, high-rankING officers who show loyalty (DELETE to them), and THE poor ordinary citizens (DELETE of North Korea) WHO ARE KEPT IGNORANT OF THEIR PLIGHT. TO A LEVEL BEYOND IMAGINATION, NORTH KOREANS literally die of hunger(,) FORCED TO collect bark OFF trees, grass roots, and even clovers IN ORDER to eat AT LEAST SOMETHING. Even more horrific, there is news SUGGESTING THE appearance of cannibalism. This is not a story from THE 1960’s or EVEN THE 1990’s; it is news reported last year, in 2010. Continuous MILITARY spending HAS depleted capital and resourceS (DELETE in North Korea). Although THE upper classes continue their luxurious lives by monopolizing everything, civilians struggle FOR BASIC SURVIVAL ( DELETE to survive, living off roots and barks).
Mark Zuckerberg was chosen to be 2010'S Person of the Year due to his contributions to development of communication. He was chosen for his good deeds. However, Facebook, in reality, gets more from ITS users than ITS users get from Facebook. First, there is no privacy in Facebook. Everything one puts on his page is exposed to everyone. Anyone who wants to get the information about a person simply has to search it on (DELETE the) Google (DELETE to find out about the person). Users sometimes want to reveal their information to a limited degree, but Facebook does not offer it. The only thing it gives IS one choice to expose one’s status to everyone in the world.
(The above paragraph could be softer and more accurate. Actually, it is possible to remain somewhat private. It's the way that facebook makes this confusing that makes people angry.)
답글삭제Also, after Facebook realized the power of holding private or personal information, it started using its power to earn some capital. Most notably, it joined with Yelp, Pandora, and Microsoft and exchanged personal information with money. Yet, there is one more thing, the wickedest thing: the “I Like” button. By simply clicking the button, a person is giving out all the preference information to companies. Facebook collects all those information and add it up to make the list of private information. In the end, they sell the private information. This contradicts the logic behind choosing Mark Zuckerberg as the Person of the Year. He does more harm than good.
To sum up, THE Kim FAMILY from North Korea should earn 2010's Person of the Year over Mark Zuckerberg. THEY (DELETE) caused many incidents significant enough for them to be nominated (DELETE as the Person of the Year), although the reasonS may be negative. Even if it might be true that Zuckerberg had some impact (DELETE on last year), A COMPANY CRAZY ABOUT PROFIT IS NOT AS significant. Only clear and coherent selections should take place.
Looks like my edits went to spam. If you don't see your entire essay in SPAM, let me know. Two are missing.
답글삭제This is a good informative essay, and you do a good job of illustrating the Kim family. In terms of structure - things are a bit wonky and you could maintain the Zuckerberg thread throughout a bit stronger. At the end, it kind of seems like an afterthought, and it wasn't clear that you were going to compare and contrast and make a case for the Kims. So a bit of tweaking and a few clues along the way dropped in might help.
All in all, good work, and glad to see you've taken the edits I make seriously in the Spring Summer assignment. I enthusiasm for improvement is noted.;)